Catch up time; closing out 2010...profound changes

Wow, so someone pointed out to me that I had not updated my blog since August (gasp!) I think it was during August (my birthday month), that I began to detatch myself somewhat from the identity of "breast cancer patient/survivor." I had my first test results...they were negative for signs of cancer, and I was nearing the end of over a year of treatment. Honestly, I remember just trying to forget about cancer and all I had been through because of it. I wanted to be "normal" again (whatever the hell that is exactly). The funny thing is, major illness or extreme life events change you forever...in good ways, bad ways, whatever--however you allow them to alter you they do. I am forever a different person because of what I have experienced. I hope, and I believe, I am a better person.

September and October were strange months for me. I was dealing with the fact that I was to begin shifting "roles." Soon, I would no longer be "on treatment;" someone who went to the Cancer doc to get meds (Herceptin) injected every 3 weeks. Normally, the loss of a role causes some sort of grieving. How strange that I struggled to determine how to cope. My last treatment, in mid-October, was without fanfare. I think that if I were to do it over, I would choose to make it more of a "big deal." I did celebrate with friends later on, but I think that it was a bigger transition than I let it be outwardly. I think it would have helped me ease into the "survivor role" a bit better than the way I chose to handle it at the time. Nonetheless, I stumbled into the survivor role with all of the gusto and might that I have put into most other life situations/events. I even signed up for the Susan G. Komen 5K Race for the Cure. I participated as a survivor in early October with my friend Karina. My sister, Becky, was there to cheer us on.

My thoughts on the Susan G. Komen 5K Race for the Cure: I was stunned and overwhelmed--both horribly sad and encouraged that people were participating in such numbers. I fought tears and enjoyed goosebumps during most of the event. There were thousands of people! I wore my bright fuschia shirt that said "Survivor." I HATED seeing all of the little handmade signs people wore saying they were participating "In Memory of..." The man with the two small children who walked in memory of his wife, the childrens' mother; I almost could not walk any more. Karina, my friend who walked with me, may not realize that if she was not there I would have just sat down in the road and cried. I participated "In Celebration of" ME (I wrote ME on the sign.) There were others who did the same for themselves. I had to stop looking for "In Celebration of" signs...I saw too many "In Memory of" signs. Thinking back now, I can feel the overwhelming emotions I felt that morning. Oddly, I will have to think hard about whether or not I can devote the mental and emotional energy to participate in an event like that again. I more than likely will participate again, but I know there is a toll associated with it.

November and December were very difficult months for me emotionally. I struggled hard to stop thinking about everything that had happened the year before. Not that everything I was thinking about was 'bad,' but I played into the "anniversary" thoughts and was swimming in some dark feelings I suppose I needed to work through. And now, "all fixed up," I felt I was left dealing with the aftermath (this new role) without much guidance, or any idea for that matter, on how to be a cancer survivor. Ultimately, I realized that was up to me to decide. Is that who I am or a piece of who I am? How important to me is it to have that as part of my identity? Should I do something more with this experience? Would someone please write a guide on how to act now? In fact, I'd like a guideline on that and how to treat other people who have been through such experiences. Not that I am good at following guidelines or anything, but some idea would be helpful. Frankly, I was a bit lost. I am not so sure I have completely gotten past that stage either.

Closing out 2010: I am profoundly altered: more intense and passionate about life (humanity, love, friendships, relationships in general, feeling...) I think I have learned to focus more on what is really important.

And I still analyze things far too deeply!