...so, I do not recommend the thyroid biopsy. Go with the ribeye in a nice chianti sauce...

Because there was a spot of "hypermetabolic activity" in a node on my thyroid (a 3.2 cm node), my Oncologist sent me over to St. Joseph's Hospital to have a biopsy on the node.

I had the appointment today. My sister accompanied me. I have to say that having someone with you is just so much better than going alone. You can somewhat let your guard down and just try and relax. I was able to do this with ease today...I just relaxed my muscles and cleared my head. I really did not think about the biopsy until it was happening. I suppose I was practicing "mindfulness meditation," as I was just exactly where I was without looking forward, backward...I was just where I was in that moment. I even napped prior to the procedure, and normally I am so freaked out that I am tense and shivering.

The folks at St. Joseph's Hospital are really amazing. Excellent customer service--made me feel comfortable, at ease...offered me anything I needed to feel as relaxed as I could. You can definitely tell when a work-place has "good energy" as opposed to ugly energy. The employees seemed genuinely happy--that really affects the level of service provided to patients/customers. I know, always a Quality Improvement person--I look for ways to make things better wherever I am. I want happy staff if I have to be there!

Anyway, the folks in the "staging" area were very helpful and informative about the procedure. Yes, they were going to stick a small needle in my neck--jiggle it back and forth for about 20 seconds--and they would do this two times. The first thing I would feel would be the lidocaine shot though, and the rest should be fairly painless. I told the assistant that I had been told this before but had then felt some pain (like the lidocaine did not work), and he stated they would give me more if necessary. Oh, and the pathologist would check the samples then and there to make sure they had a good sample--or they would go back in again for more if necessary.

Well, the ultrasound tech was able to find the node with no problem...and a different man came in to do the biopsy itself. The pathologist was down by my feet with all of her cool stuff. She asked me about why I was wearing a hat. I told her I was in chemo for Breast Cancer, and she told me she was a 2-time survivor. She had a mastectomy 10 years ago...and then it came back just this past spring (in her spine/pelvis). She had completed chemo in July and was growing her hair back out. I liked her, Anne was her name.

So the lidocaine shot into the left side of my neck was so pleasant, I think my blood pressure spiked about 50 points systolic. The PA, Mark? said to wiggle my toes--hell, I was already circling my feet like a whirlybird. You know, there has got to be a better way. If I don't feel it when the chemo nurses jack in to my port in my chest, there must be a way that folks can make shots in the neck not hurt too. Reminded me of dentists and all of their sadistic tendencies.

Second thing...the biopsy needle. Felt it. Sorry, but I did. And I groaned in pain, and twirled my feet, and told the PA and Tech, "OWWwwwwww" while trying not to breathe. No wait, the not breathing part came pretty naturally. Breath held. No problem. About 5 hours later he said he was out and going back in for the second pass. GREAT!

The second pass...now that was when I really felt it. I told him immediately...and he said he was already in and to count back from 10 slowly...yeah...for ten YEARS. Sorry to be dramatic (no I am not), but these things suck ass. I hate them...and for some freakin' reason, no one can get me numb enough so that I do not feel them. Happens the same way every time..."I am already in, it will hurt worse for me to give you another shot, it will be over soon." Yeah, asshole, you are not the one with the needle being crammed in your neck. Repeatedly, back and forth, like you're cleaning the grates on a grill. For some reason I started thinking about what I wanted to eat for lunch. Dissociation--it's a good thing.

So, then we get to wait for 10 minutes or so while Anne makes sure they have the correct cells (an actual sample from my thyroid and not, say, my brainstem) and that they will be able to run the appropriate tests on the samples. I am happy for this...I don't want to come back for this. But somehow, I know that they are going to have to jab me AGAIN. And they do. And it sucks. This time, Anne was nice enough to rub my feet during it. That helped actually. Anne must be in every biopsy for every one. Or someone to rub thine feet. I will now require a foot massager for any further medical test I endure.

Yeah, so when he was done jabbing my neck with the skewer, the PA said that I will probably bruise. Hell, Becky was already working on the story to explain that hickey. We'll see if I bruise and what story we can come up with. Bandaid on, wheel me to recovery for about 10 minutes, I piss like a cow on a flat rock...and get the hell out of there before someone finds something else to violate me with.

Sheesh!
Let me be clear. I am a complete wuss when it comes to medical tests. I hate them, they suck ass, and I get all depressed and funky afterward. I feel like I have decent pain tolerance--but I may just be a wuss. But then again...it was a needle in my freakin' neck. And all I get is a bag of ice to put on my neck (as tolerated) for the next 24-hours.

Hmmmph. Stupid thyroid.