Catch up time; closing out 2010...profound changes

Wow, so someone pointed out to me that I had not updated my blog since August (gasp!) I think it was during August (my birthday month), that I began to detatch myself somewhat from the identity of "breast cancer patient/survivor." I had my first test results...they were negative for signs of cancer, and I was nearing the end of over a year of treatment. Honestly, I remember just trying to forget about cancer and all I had been through because of it. I wanted to be "normal" again (whatever the hell that is exactly). The funny thing is, major illness or extreme life events change you forever...in good ways, bad ways, whatever--however you allow them to alter you they do. I am forever a different person because of what I have experienced. I hope, and I believe, I am a better person.

September and October were strange months for me. I was dealing with the fact that I was to begin shifting "roles." Soon, I would no longer be "on treatment;" someone who went to the Cancer doc to get meds (Herceptin) injected every 3 weeks. Normally, the loss of a role causes some sort of grieving. How strange that I struggled to determine how to cope. My last treatment, in mid-October, was without fanfare. I think that if I were to do it over, I would choose to make it more of a "big deal." I did celebrate with friends later on, but I think that it was a bigger transition than I let it be outwardly. I think it would have helped me ease into the "survivor role" a bit better than the way I chose to handle it at the time. Nonetheless, I stumbled into the survivor role with all of the gusto and might that I have put into most other life situations/events. I even signed up for the Susan G. Komen 5K Race for the Cure. I participated as a survivor in early October with my friend Karina. My sister, Becky, was there to cheer us on.

My thoughts on the Susan G. Komen 5K Race for the Cure: I was stunned and overwhelmed--both horribly sad and encouraged that people were participating in such numbers. I fought tears and enjoyed goosebumps during most of the event. There were thousands of people! I wore my bright fuschia shirt that said "Survivor." I HATED seeing all of the little handmade signs people wore saying they were participating "In Memory of..." The man with the two small children who walked in memory of his wife, the childrens' mother; I almost could not walk any more. Karina, my friend who walked with me, may not realize that if she was not there I would have just sat down in the road and cried. I participated "In Celebration of" ME (I wrote ME on the sign.) There were others who did the same for themselves. I had to stop looking for "In Celebration of" signs...I saw too many "In Memory of" signs. Thinking back now, I can feel the overwhelming emotions I felt that morning. Oddly, I will have to think hard about whether or not I can devote the mental and emotional energy to participate in an event like that again. I more than likely will participate again, but I know there is a toll associated with it.

November and December were very difficult months for me emotionally. I struggled hard to stop thinking about everything that had happened the year before. Not that everything I was thinking about was 'bad,' but I played into the "anniversary" thoughts and was swimming in some dark feelings I suppose I needed to work through. And now, "all fixed up," I felt I was left dealing with the aftermath (this new role) without much guidance, or any idea for that matter, on how to be a cancer survivor. Ultimately, I realized that was up to me to decide. Is that who I am or a piece of who I am? How important to me is it to have that as part of my identity? Should I do something more with this experience? Would someone please write a guide on how to act now? In fact, I'd like a guideline on that and how to treat other people who have been through such experiences. Not that I am good at following guidelines or anything, but some idea would be helpful. Frankly, I was a bit lost. I am not so sure I have completely gotten past that stage either.

Closing out 2010: I am profoundly altered: more intense and passionate about life (humanity, love, friendships, relationships in general, feeling...) I think I have learned to focus more on what is really important.

And I still analyze things far too deeply!

My First Post-Treatment PET Scan---I am free from cancer!

Well, yesterday, I received the results of my first post-treatment PET Scan. After doing my best to not worry all weekend (the scan was last week, on Thursday), I started to freak out sometime around noon on Monday. I have had ongoing issues with getting the Dr. to call me whenever test results come in, and I was not about to let this one slide.

I kept calling...10AM, no results yet; 12:00 PM, will have Dr. call me ASAP; 1:30 PM, the Dr. will call me (then I cried and begged...I told them that they just do not call me back, I really did cry) I was having a panic attack at this point (no fun, considering I was at work!!!)

Then, Nellie (Dr. Wright's assistant) called me. NO CANCER detected in my bones, liver, lungs, brain, chest...etc.!!!  Then, I cried in relief.

My thyroid lit up the test again (and NO, I am not going to let them tinker with that again--we will just assume it is fine); and the Sinus Infection I have been dealing with showed up (they do want me to follow up with an ENT (Ear Nose Throat) Specialist to have my sinuses checked out (not for cancer, but for abcesses, etc.)

NO CANCER!

So grateful and relieved!!!

Wow, it has been a while!

Wow! I just realized how long it has been since I have written...
I met with my doc this morning...I had not seen Dr. Wright in a few months, as he has been in a different location on Thursdays (I've met with his assistant, Nellie in his absence). He told me he was sruprised I looked so well...ah, he always makes me feel good!
I am happy that I have lost more weight since my last visit three weeks ago...a few more pounds off. Seems like the weight is coming off so slowly. Oh well, I am doing as much as I can, eating better and exercising. Ugh, ready for my pre-chemo pants to fit again!!!
So, Dr. Wright and I discussed quite a few things:
Protein Marker Results: Doc said this is kind of like testing for smoke from a possible fire. There was no smoke detected in the last test...Yay! Today, they drew blood to test more directly for "fire..." the results will be back in a day or so.
PET Scan: will be in mid-June. He is looking at the research I provided him re: the Whole Body MRI research (found that MRI may be just as good at detecting cancer tumours as PET/CT Scans without subjecting the recipient to the radiation of a PET Scan.) I am still a bit leery from the MRI issue I had with the Breast Scans back in August of last year--I feel like it missed much of the cancer/what was going on...we will see how I feel about this moving forward. Maybe I would insist the results be read by more than one person...
Swelling on the right side of my chest: Dr. Wright looked at the swelling and indicated he did not feel like I needed to follow up with Dr. Cox.
Recent Research discussion:
1) Baby Aspirin: I told him I have been taking 81 mg/day based on the recent research showing that there was some reduction in cancer recurrence rates by taking it. He gave me an enthusiastic thumbs up and said that the research showed that taking it 5 days a week instead of 7 was shown to be more beneficial. Strange...okay, so I will take it Monday through Friday. Hmmm... this seems to have something to do with reducing the amount of inflammation in the body as a whole. Can't hurt I suppose.
2) Inositol/IP-6: he has no issues with my taking this...there is some research being done on this.
3) Sulforaphane (Broccoli Extract): I gave him the synopsis of the research and he said I could take it with no problem. I think I will order some from the Internet, as I have had some difficulty finding it in my local stores. Strange that more health-food stores do not carry this...there is so much research that has been done on the health benefits of Broccoli on a number of types of cancer. Some recent research shows that sulforaphane may shrink cancer cells or eradicate them. Hell...it's Broccoli. I can't eat enough of it, so if it comes in pill form, what the hey?

Basically, the doc is fine with my taking supplements and vitamins. Good deal!

So, I did get my Herceptin treatment today. It really does make me feel a bit funky afterward. Hm...oh well, that is what naps are for!

Hair update!

As of Monday, May 10th~!

It is definitely coming in thicker these days...so nice to have some hair!

Follicular Follies...

As of April 20, 2010

Mental and Physical Health

Even though I have been done with Radiation for about 12 days, I still have some ugly burns on my skin. It is healing well, but I had another area (about 2 inches long) split open and begin to drain about 5 days ago. I am able to wear my bras again...with my silly poofy pillows ;-)

I've been looking lately at getting more appropriate prosthetics--even though they seem rather goofy to me! I think I would feel more comfortable with them moving forward though. Plus, there are some that can be used for swimming, and that would make me feel much more comfortable at the beach!!!

I've been fairly depressed during the last week or so, it has been a real struggle to make myself do my usual work and other tasks. Once I start though, I can really get into things and get a lot done. That is good...

I finally got up to the gym yesterday, after a couple of weeks off. Even with the last bit of skin that opened up recently, I figured I should go--if nothing more than for the mental benefit!!! I still have about 10 extra pounds on me from chemo/steroids (well, I have a few extra pounds more than that--but this is all I can blame on chemo!) I am getting tired of carrying around the extra weight. I want back into my pre-chemo britches!!!

Slowly, I have begun to focus back on my food and calorie intake. I mostly struggle with incorporating enough veggies and fruit into my diet. I am hell-bent on correcting this!!! Vitamins: I started taking a prenatal vitamin with herbs. No real reason other than to ensure I get my hair to grow as quickly as possible (hehe)! I am still taking Evening Primrose Oil (hotflashes), Black Cohosh Herb (night sweats), and Vitamin D. The Vitamin D is due to some recent research that has shown women who develop Breast Cancer tend to have lower levels of the vitamin. Also there have been some very positive (and scientific even) research findings showing the benefits of Vitamin D.

So, I am focused on some good things: diet, exercise, work...my dog! Still need to keep working on ME and focusing on my mental health (oh well, that is a lifelong endeavor, isn't it?)

I did visit with the Psychiatrist this evening. I have not seen him since before I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. When I was thinking about all that has happened in the last 8 months, I realized how much I had been through. He continued my prescription for Cymbalta...I figure Cymbalta has helped me a lot through the past 8 months! Hell, I can be depressed enough at times without it, I cannot imagine what I would have felt like going through surgeries, radiation and chemo without it! Sheesh...I really don't want to think about that!

Well, enough rambling for now!

Finally Done with Radiation!

Well, it has been a while since I have written, but I finished Radiation on April 8th. My Radiation Therapists were so great to me...even gave me donuts to celebrate...got a cute certificate and everything! I gave them a card...they really made the whole experience a better one (it could have been even more taxing with staff who were unhappy, sullen or whatever). It was so nice to have cheerful, patient, knowledgeable folks working with me each day during the process!

Thank you Tampa Bay Radiation Oncology staff! You guys are the BEST!